My Mom the Aro

Hello Dreamers,

It's still Pride Month, aka June. I'll admit that as a cis-gender straight chick, I don't have a lot to pull from my own life experiences on the struggles sexual minorities face. However, I have a story that had its ramifications in my life: this year I learned that my mother is an aro.

A... A What?

Aro is slang for someone who is Aromantic. Aromatic is someone who does not feel romantic love. Not to be confused with an ace, or Asexual, who does not feel sexual attraction. While, in theory, an aro can be a sociopath, they usually are not, being very capable of platonic love.

If you're thinking "Could I be one?" Here's an easy test: have you ever had a serious crush on someone? I mean, hearts in your eyes, longing to be with them all the time, images of being married to them and sharing children? Stuck in your mind with the anticipatory pain of 'what if they don't like you, or reject you?' The heartache of if a romantic relationship not happening between you two?

If your answer is "No" and you're over the age of 25, then I'm pretty sure you are one. I'll admit 25 is a number I pulled out of my asshole, but I want to allocate the fact that people mature at different rates. My first major crush wasn't until I was 21. Aros also don't get the concept of romantic love, finding romantic art, lit, and music to be nonsense.

Definitions aside.

Mom's Sus Takes on Love, Sex, and Romance

Growing up, as far as anyone was concerned, including Mom, she was a normal, cis-gendered, heterosexual woman, much like me. Even as I brought up the possible she responded with "It isn't like I don't want romance, it's that I don't think I need it, especially now."

I didn't exactly get around as a teenager - being on the spectrum will do that. Still, my parents gave the usual advice that smart, good parents, give about safe sex, how the human body works, and that I can say no in uncomfortable situations. The exact views on these matters I wouldn't learn until I was mature enough to understand sex.

Mom never understood the idea of 'falling in love' or 'love at first sight,' dismissing it as nothing more than base lust. How people can be so much in 'love' that they miss red flags in relationships due to hearts in the eyes, and the intense desire to be loved like this just goes over her head. Crushes she dismisses as nothing more than something immature people fall into.

There were things she would say about love and romance that had my father and I looking at her confused. Things like being friends with the person before you even think of romance, and how she doesn't really need this kind of affection all the time.

It didn't scare me until the day I explained to her shortly after Dad died: "Look, Mom, you can date, it's ok. I understand you are still a woman with needs. Just... he's not my Dad."

She responds with "I loved your father very much, but I don't want to be married again. Men in our generation, at that age, want either a nurse or a purse."

"Fine, never get married again, but it's ok if you want to date, and have male company," I said.

"Nah, I don't really need that in my life."

Why This Matters to Me in the First Place

"Mom, sooner or later you're going to be lonely and horny. It's fine. I don't want you to think you have to wallow in old age."

"No, really, Shannon. I'm happy with my life. I got you, and your brother, and the cats. I'm fine."

"But... but... don't you want sex?" by this point in the conversation I was actually getting sad and scared. I remember my dad explaining to me, and it was something I argued at the time, that this is a natural progression for old women, to be straight through most of their lives, and then later in life become lesbians or lose interest (aka, being an ace or aro).

Does this mean, that when I age, I will lose my sexuality? I mean, I don't get much action, but I do like feeling horny and aroused. I don't think I would have enjoyed the endgame content of TOTK as much as I did if I were an aro or an ace. :p Ruminating about some very sexy people in my life, as much pain as it can give at times, also reminds me that I am not dead inside.

Couple this with how 'abnormal' people perceive elderly sexuality, and well, will that be me when I'm 70?

It wasn't until later that I learned about sexual minorities and the want for romance being a spectrum. The idea clicked when I asked Mom about crushes and she answered with "Well, I don't think I've ever felt that for anyone, ever. It's silly."

That's when I blurted out to her: "Mom, you might be an aro."

"An aro? What's that?"

She's a boomer. The language to describe these things just didn't exist when she was growing up and going through her own sexual awakening. It was fairly common in her day to find people who didn't even know what homosexuality was - which is far more common than aromaticism.

So I explained it to her, pointing out the most surefire way to know is if you ever had a crush. Before you all say it: "The right person just hasn't come along," she's 70. That person would have long arrived by now.

The Ramifications

Some of you might be thinking "Does this mean she never really loved your father?" I remember the night he died, and when she drove to Toronto at 3 am to pick me up, in tears. Those tears were real as I held her before boarding the car. She loved Dad very much and insists she misses him. At the funeral, I delivered the eulogy as she was just too upset.

She passively dated, only really getting into relationships by stumbling into them. She met my dad at work. She told me that she kept dating him because she liked his company while pointing out that he was developing those feelings of infatuation as he wasn't an aro. In time she fell for him - about a year later.

When I asked her about crushes she claimed to have some puppy love when she was 12, and that was about it - dismissing crushing and infatuation as something the 'immature' do. So considering that, to her, a significant other is simply a good friend you also happen to have sex with, so much of her advice on relationships makes sense.

Now, she is very capable of platonic love. I know she loves me. I know she loves my brother. She has friends that I know she cares about. She loves the kitties she owns.

She isn't an ace so she can form sexual attraction. I know she did have sex with my dad - my brother and I exist, and no one disputes maternity or paternity. Like anyone, she still wanted a family of her own.

I think the absolving part, at least for me, is, that she has always been like this. This means it isn't likely I would grandmother (hehe) into this. I will be 70 and still love to stuff things up my vagina while drooling over sexy mens!

Conclusions

As I stated earlier, there are many misconceptions about aromanticism. Some common ones include:

• They are not capable of love or are psychopathic.

• Aros aren't real: they just haven't found the right person yet

• They're just jaded about love due to their own failed love lives

• They're players/sluts that only want casual sex

Much of this isn't true, or at least for all aros. My mom is very capable of love. She's had many opportunities in her 70 years to find that special person. She isn't jaded and has been married to my dad for 40 years. A marriage that only ended when he died. Clearly, she doesn't run around having casual sex.

I know I can be rather judgemental, a trait I've inherited from Mom. For the record, she resists the label. However, if the shoe fits, well, own it! She ain't hurting no one, and well, isn't the point of pride to feel that you don't have to mask the way you love other people?

As with many sexual minorities, or any minority for that matter, many people form these misconceptions because they cannot fathom what it means to be someone in that minority. The general public cannot fathom life without infatuation, crushes, and the want for a romantic connection with someone else. Because of this, they assume there is something wrong with them, or are just lying and pulling a fast one on us.

Now, there is a saying in the autism community: "If you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism." Are all aros like my mother? No, of course not. People are like snowflakes - no two are the same. I just think sharing these experiences is important in the greater understanding so that we do not dismiss or fear them.

Or to quote Kilton:

Look and learn, then you won't hate. Understand what you fear, and you'll feel great.

Post Script: I ran this article by my mother to make sure it was ok to post. After all, 'Outing' people is beyond rude. She just shrugged her shoulders and said "It's fine, it's what I am, it's what I feel."